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According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
It was all so different before everything changed.
I`m proud to announce that I`m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don`t know we`re racing.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.
My version of Heaven would be filled with all the things I`d probably go to hell for.
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.