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I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
If Facebook was school I swear we would all have perfect attendance.
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
thinking men should come with a carfax....
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
Dear God, I´ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven´t been mean at all, but I´m about to get up now and I may need your help :)
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
So apparently I`ve been Googling `Asian Prom` this whole time. I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren`t going to bang.