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My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
I have a confession to make. I was born with a rare disease called “Amazing.”
If you`re single and you know it hug your cat!
A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
I`m running out of people I can tolerate!
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.
I’m offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.