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This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
woman belong in the kitchen? thats where the knives are you fool.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it`s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously it`s a girl because it won`t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it`s worth.
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
If you catch a homeless couple having sex is it rude to tell them to "get a room"?