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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
Hold that pose. My camera is ringing.
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
Just realized all books are different combinations of the same 26 letters. This is BS!
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.
You really are the cat`s pajamas, and by that I mean you`re a stupid idea.
They should make Vodka ChapStick
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
My plans for GTA 5: Beat the crap outta people, Steal a cops gun, Jack a convertible, Rob a bank, Jump off a building, Go to GameStop, Buy GTA 5