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How come know-it-alls, don`t know how annoying they are?
I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
I`m already going to hell ... now I`m just trying to get a good spot.
people say i talk in my sleeep , but no one at work seems to notice
You are so selfish! You´re going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
Fun: text a friend "Are you alone right now?" They go "Yes." Then u text back LOL
If you come to myspace and twitter about my yahoo, can I google over your facebook?
I don`t live paycheck to paycheck. I live paycheck to four days before paycheck...
This is a lousy dating site.
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.