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Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don`t question it.
The difference between “like” “love” and “in love” is the same as the difference between “for now” “for a while” and “forever”
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.
Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?
I declare today, “Hit that dumb person you’ve always wanted to punch in the face day.”
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. It`s about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.