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Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.
Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
You don`t have to like me, I`m not a Facebook status.
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
FB friends, please let me know if you own one of those cool little Smart cars so I can unfriend you.
Theirye’re, problem solved.
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.