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If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I sometimes worries about my short attention span, ...but not for very L... hey! ... look at that squirrel!
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not "content creator"?
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
If A Couple in Love are called Love Birds, then a couple who fight with each other should be called Angry Birds.
I like it here because not only do I get to air out my dirty laundry, I get to see yours too.
Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What`s your name?!
People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you`re watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.
Don`t send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.