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I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
Would stiff nipples be a good name for my air conditioning company?
Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard... PILLOW FIGHT!
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
After I die, there are some people Iām going to haunt the sh!t out of.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store clerk asked to come back soon?
Most of life is waiting for whatever you`re at to be over.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels? - Bfanch
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."