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The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
If you`re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
I hate it when I’m singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
There could be literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don`t even know it.
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
I`m thinking of making a sax tape to make myself well known like some of the bad boys and girls do...does it matter if I can`t play it?