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It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.
I dont mind going to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is bullsh*t
Send me one more game request and I`m showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?