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Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn`t just "lay in bed and watch TV all day" I traveled very far thank u
I grew up in a town where the population never changed… Every time a girl got pregnant, a guy left town
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
Do me a favor if someone tells you they don`t like me , tell them I don`t like them either.
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
We didn`t take a video recording of our child`s birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.
My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink