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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There`s a nap for that.
It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
Some will forget, the others are simply women.
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
I am tired of men complaining about women complaining about men complaining about women
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
Does `virgin wool` come from sheep the shepherd hasn`t caught yet? ..just asking
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date, so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents` house
I pretty much spend all day, every day, just looking forward to going back to sleep.