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Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
An apple a day is bullsh!t. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
The more photos you have to untag, the better the weekend was.
I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I`m afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.
This day will end with either wine or shopping. Probably both.
Are walruses just vampire manatees?