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People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
I ate too much salad over the weekend so I`m going on an Oreo cleanse today.
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.
Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend
You find it offensive? ... I find it funny ... That`s why I`m happier than you.