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Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
I bet Batman`s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.
I was struggling,trying to figure out how lightning works .....then it struck me!
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
Waldo wears stripes because he doesn`t want to be spotted !
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.
A woman’s anger is like a check engine light; there’s no pleasant way to determine what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.