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Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
Ever have the experience of staring at an outfit hanging in your closet and wondering which of the personalities did the shopping that day?
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I`m not homophobic, I love my house!
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
If you lack motivation, get on treadmill naked in front of mirror.
I can`t wait to get all liquored up, and then go door-to-door to sing some Christmas Carols when it starts to warm up in April...
Don`t ya wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they`re fake or real?
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
I had a wet dream about you last night. Yeah, I was drowning you in a lake.
In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says "what the hell is that" when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE!
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it`s always collecting dust.