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Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I’m just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
To drink, or not to drink?...what a stupid question!
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
I get you, anti-evolution people. I`m too lazy to learn science too.
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.
Does this floor I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?