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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won`t be able to see.
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
I`m not saying I hate you, but I`d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar.
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues. ... and dates.
If couples who are in love are called `love birds.` Then couples who always argue should be called `angry birds.`
If by "crunches" you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I hope daylight savings time doesnt throw me off my schedule of doing nothing.
I’m usually that person who has no idea what’s going on.