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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I’m not a marketing expert. But if I was selling milk, the cartons would be boob shaped.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
Be good to your nieces and nephews. One day you`ll need them to smuggle alcohol into your nursing home.
Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.
Your so lazy you should have a Life Alert bracelet that says I`m Just Napping.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any d!ck pics
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that`s not your Ferrari?
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
It must be very hard to be a Nigerian lawyer who specializes in international inheritance law.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.
They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.