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That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
wishes life would hand me lemons especially today.. that way I`d have something to throw at the people that are pissing me off
No one ever said life was easy, but several people did say that you were.
Soup of the day: Beer
I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.
The only thing alcohol can`t cure is alcoholism.
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I`m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good.
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
My relationship is like an iPhone, I don`t have an iPhone.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.