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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
Just pour the coffee and back away slowly.
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?
I found the "one" today! Surprisingly, It`s been on my keyboard all the time.
Wow, I haven`t seen you since the last time I wish I hadn`t seen you
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
you`re about as useless as a red light in grand theft auto