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I’m not here to judge, I’m just pointing out all the mistakes you’re making.
Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
Men are great listeners when you have big boobs ;)
Be careful on how tough you are on your kids....Strict parents create sneaky children.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
I’m back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.
There`s no WE in pizza.
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.