Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
All I`m saying is if guys were meant to make them, they`d be call sandWIZARDS.
Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
You’d think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry.
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
My girlfriend left the lights on, on her Smart Car last night. This morning I had to jump start it with my Android.
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"