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Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.
If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
By the power vested in me and by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I didn’t give you the finger. You earned it.
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
Like this if you’re “never drinking again.”
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
On the bright side, it’s Friday Eve Eve Eve.
You ever notice that the number of extra steps a drunk takes getting home? ...its staggering!
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
Does `virgin wool` come from sheep the shepherd hasn`t caught yet? ..just asking