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My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
Got kicked out of Ziggy`s. " supposably" your not allowed to stand on their scales. Says I broke them. On the brighter side I weigh 135900 grams
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
Everyone is gifted......But not everyone opens their present
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he`s attempting to get his hoodie back. He`s in for one hell of a life lesson.
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
If you can`t celebrate Valentine`s Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.