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WebMD needs to add the question "Have you eaten Taco Bell today?" when asking about stomach-related symptoms.
If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square?
Why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let this stupidity problem solve itself?
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
It takes balls to be a man.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
I have a friend with one eye, he`s pretty cool about it, instead of :D he sends .D
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house ... It was delicious.
Surveys say 1 out of every 2 people suck at math. It`s terrible that 80% of the population can`t even do the easiest calculations.
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one!