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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
"You only live once. LOL JK!" ~ the cat
The only thing I love more than cake is cakes.
I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
Remember when the world ended last year?
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
I only use the outdoors to get to another indoors.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets!
Neil Armstrong was the first human being to step foot on the moon. Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"