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That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
Fun Fact: A pizza will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
I wish common sense was more common.
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Here`s a crazy concept, maybe I`m not in a bad mood, angry, or a bitch. Maybe I said it because it`s true and I meant it. Marinate on that.
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.