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Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
So far today has been a pretty good day...I haven`t had to bite or hit anyone, yet!!
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!