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I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
I don`t understand why people want a relationship when there`s pizza.
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
When a guy says "I`m Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
Girls, dont read this please: Hey guys, isn`t it funny how our wives/or girlfirends really think that we care what they did that day? lol.....it never gets old.
Better late than pregnant.
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
You know that old saying? If you seen one woman naked. You want to see all women naked.
is giving everyone permission to steal, and use this status.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.