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Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
At the end of the day, it`s 11:59pm.
NEVER go to a wet t shirt contest drunk. I won 2nd place.
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
I wish my bladder had a snooze button.
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
Happy 4th of July ! ... It`s a holiday. You know what that means... Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.
Bad decisions make good stories.