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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
I wonder if "Sober Me" knows that "Drunk Me" can Breakdance?
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
I`m 5`5" and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Party like you will never be invited to another!
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAY!! (To all of my FB friends, please don`t read this until the appropriate day)
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
Never be mean to nerds. You never know, one day you might be working for them!
I was wondering why some couples don`t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don`t work out...
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.