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This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
In my head I sound like the Queen of England bitches!
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can`t.
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I’m delicious but damn.
Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?