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Girls who say "alot of guys are after me" should keep in mind that cheap things always attract many customers.
Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
I hate it when people beg for likes, like if you agree?
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
Sometimes there just aren’t enough curse words.
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
gone fishing ¸.·´¯`·.¸><((((º>
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.
Dropped my son off for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you`re supposed to pick them up?