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It`s not everyday you find a $50 bill in your pocket, I didn`t, but like I said it`s not everyday..
I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day.
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
You know you`re non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
I should go to sleep but the Internet needs me.
It`s ok to admit when you`re wrong. Just don`t tell anyone.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang - So I shot him..
Try this... When leaving a fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".
I would want to change my name to `Nobody` on Facebook. So when someone updates something stupid it says `Nobody likes this`