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My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
I gotta ask you a sirius question....do you know the muffen man
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.
Starting to believe I`m trouble
A married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
If ignorance is bliss then there`s a crap load of people in paradise
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
Ok everyone enough of your "family" time, come back to the internet. We are your real family.
the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.