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I inboxed a girl on Facebook and she never replied. I guess you could say we`re `seen` each other.
I`m now fit to make my regular annual resolution. The accomplishment is the problem
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
Just belted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It`s not like I`m going to go to Home Depot instead.
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
Not now, I`m busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
Do Hostess employees have Snowball fights?
The problem with some people is that they’re alive.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.