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This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn`t that bad. It`s kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping......with a really angry bear nearby.
Accidentally used AOL.com, I betting the employees there are celebrating and think they have a sure future.
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions...
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don`t want to look like a dork.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.