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Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
PRINCIPAL: are you the new english teacher? TEACHER: yes i are.
You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
I made Creme Brulee today. More food should require the use of a blow torch.
For those of you wondering what it`s like to be married, I`m on day 3 of an argument I didn`t know I was having.
Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
I’m convinced that the employees of McDonalds were just customers who could pay and are working off their bills.
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesnt that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie? ... hmmm
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on