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If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.
If ghosts existed, why are they all apparently from the last 100 years or so? Wouldn’t there be evidence of a Neanderthal ghost here and there?
I`ve dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I`m getting smokin` hot is by getting cremated.
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?