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April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
I`m pretty sure apple kid below needs help..
I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Nothing ruins a perfectly good mood like reality.
you have lips ….. i have lips …… interesting
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
I`m so broke right now if anybody robbed me they`d just be practicing
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I`m watching.
I have the means to do anything that I want on my day off from work which means that I dont want to do anything on my day off from work.