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While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
It takes balls to be a man.
looong and hard, yep thats my pencil.
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
Did you know? If you were to watch all of the Saw films, it would take you 666 minutes?
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
Some parts of the world use Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. Me? I just want you all to know how delicious my sandwich is.
Fitness? More like fitness whole cheesecake in my mouth.
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.
I can`t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment