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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There`s a nap for that.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Rawwrrr means I love you in dinosaur. Everyone knows that, silly
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
Facebook should win an Emmy for Best Daytime Dramas.
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
Didn`t leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the `Downward Dog` on top of another person.
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"