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I will not be satisfied until I see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
Another tragedy today in the music industry.....Justin Beiber was just found alive in his apartment. :(
If I get an e-mail from you that says "Sent from my Blackberry" at the bottom, please understand that I`m not going to respond. I can only assume that you sent it in 2006.
Facebook becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
I’m Not Arguing. I’m Simply Explaining Why I’m Right.
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.