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Sorry I got mad and said a bunch of things I meant but shouldn`t have said out loud.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
Wow.. I didn`t know spandex could hold that much.
How can you tell if a smurf has the blues?
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
Why is it called tourist season if we can`t shoot them?
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
is giving everyone permission to steal, and use this status.