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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
You`re as useless as a referee in the WWE
Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
My internet went down for about 5 minutes earlier....so I talked to my family.....they seem like nice people!
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
What idiot called it "best man" instead of "lord of the rings"
You`re not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I`ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?