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Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
You`re about 8 beers away from being my type.
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
When two people love each other deeply, nothing is impossible. Except deciding on where to eat.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
Can I tell you how terribly grateful I am that no one had cell phones, iPads or digital cameras when I had to squaredance in P.E.
There`s a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It`s like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn`t say why.
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
been there, done that, wrote the book and have the t-shirt to prove it. What more do you want!
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.