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Vodka is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
I just made you think of an elephant
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how`s your day going?
I’m in no shape to exercise.
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Don`t send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.