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Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
I`ve had frozen pizza and delivery pizza in the same day, b!tch you don`t know me.
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they`ve beat you to it!
Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
This prefessor`s nuts. He keeps saying pie is square. I know better, pies are round, cakes are square!
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
If tit for tat doesn`t mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I`ve been doing it wrong this whole time.
It`s fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car`s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don`t even have to try to find out who lost it, because it`s the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.