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If you figure me out I want an explanation.
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
I just wanted you all to know that I`m leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I`ve made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I`ll miss all of u, but I`ve decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
In a new study women with large a$$es live longer………the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives.
I`m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they don`t laugh either.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
I`m only gonna have one beer. At a time. Until all the beer is gone.
roes are red violets are blue he`s for me not for you if for any chance you`ll take my place i`ll use my fist and smash your face