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First fart at my new job.
It`s what`s on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.
The guy below me obviously doesn`t know that R2-D2 is in movies, not television
I am dealing with it like an adult! Tonight I`m getting drunk!!!
thinks whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never been to a nude beach!!
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."
Mosquito`s and parking inspectors must be from the same family...