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Let me get this straight…a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, ripping all the hair out…and still be afraid of a spider?
How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
Plan B includes margaritas.
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let`s get a cat.
If Starbucks delivered, I would be a morning person.
Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
My thoughts should be ashamed of themselves.
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
Best part of living alone...clothing optional ;)
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.