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If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
If you don`t pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
I`m not lazy. I`m just highly motivated to not do anything.
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
I wouldn’t say your ugly, you are just beautichallenged.
Today has been cancelled, due to lack of interest.
I’ve thought about running away as an adult way more than I did as a child.
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.