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I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
It`s so cold out, I just seen a woman in 2 pairs of pajamas at Walmart...
I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
REPOSTED~WARNING~PLEASE READ! If someone comes to your door and asks you to remove your clothes,and dance with your arms in the air...~DO NOT DO THIS....~It is a SCAM~...They just want to see you naked....I wish I had known this yesterday....I feel so stupid now
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.