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So much of my day is just keeping myself distracted until it`s time to eat again.
SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
thinks there are times when your the most beautiful girl in the world, and there are times when I’m sober.
Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.
Don`t ever, ever EVER!!! Touch a crazy man`s food!!! I will STAB YOU WITH A SPOON!
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key
I can only please one person a day...and today is not your day!
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It`s really a cold water heater.
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
My medic alert bracelet warns first responders that I kiss back during CPR
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
gone fishing ¸.·´¯`·.¸><((((º>
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!