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Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said strip down facing me,she was referring to my credit card.
If Monday had a face... I`d punch it.
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
The first sign of laziness:
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered. I`m so glad I don`t drink anymore.
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
There is no such things as ghosts. I know, I asked Santa Claus
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.