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I`m like a kid in a candy store. I can`t afford anything.
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
Do whatever you want. And if it’s something you’re going to regret in the morning…sleep late.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
Soup of the day: Tequila.
Why can’t I lose weight easily I mean I lose everything else without a problem.
Blockbuster sell sweets and ice cream to go with your DVD rental - who the hell wants to rent sweets and ice cream?
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
Swearing releases stress and that`s just one of the f*cking reasons I do it.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..
Now tell me how old your baby is in hours.