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Funniest thing ever heard on TV. "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
I’m not a marketing expert. But if I was selling milk, the cartons would be boob shaped.
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
Your so vain...you probably think this post is about you
Turns out I`m ambidextrous at yet another sport! And I even scored a bingo twice. Left-handed!
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
If all the world´s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
It´s never to late to be happy
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.