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LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
I`ve been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
Find someone you`re good at.
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
Lets watch a reality show about nasty rednecks acting like rednecks, but get mad when one of them says something a redneck would say
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
Did you know , that if you use asterisk , you can do anything you want ? * gets on a t-rex and gallops away into the sunset *
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.