Daily Silly Status

If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.

As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son`s love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."

I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.

Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t

I think salads help you lose weight because they`re gross and you end up not eating them

I can`t decide what`s more embarrassing - the fact that I still live out of a suitcase, or that I`m a professional ventriloquist dummy.

Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn`t change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.

You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.

Sleep is for people with no internet connection.

I hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we haven`t thought about in a while ... demons."

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…

Odd how all the `intelligent life finding instruments` are pointed away from earth.

I have learned from watching crime dramas on tv when the good guys yell "Federal Agents" at the bad guys, the bad guy always runs. Wouldn`t it be smarter to yell "Prize Patrol" if you really want to catch a bad guy?

I wonder if there`s a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.